Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I read somewhere that when you get married, you should marry your best friend. Talk about awkward, he was already married.

   Most dentist's chairs go up and down. The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual' . And the dentist said to me, Sir, please get out of the filing cabinet.

   If I need directions, I'm not asking a man with one tooth. I'm asking a man with one leg. Because he definitely knows the easiest way to get there..

   I am getting more sensitive the older I get. I realized this today as I sat on a park bench throwing bread crumbs to the old people.

   feels sorry for guys who's girlfriends call them The Boy. Hanging out with The Boy Tonight. Obviously he's not the man.

   it possible to be in two places at twice?

   When a man talks dirty 2 a women, its sexual harassment when a women talks dirty 2 a man, its $3.95 a minute!

   We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse..

   soo old that he knew the Dead Sea when it was ill

   ..is so blonde,she thought a thesaurus was a dinosaur.

   if Osama Bin Laden played Call of Duty, he would be the best camper.

   If Bono ,Julia Roberts and the rest of those billionare bozos care so much then why not sell one of your mansions or private jets and give it to charity. But those elitists gotta beg the hard-working Americans to give what we don't have, now get off my tv

   Makeup can make you look pretty on the outside. But it doesn't help if you're ugly on the inside. Unless you eat the makeup.

   How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb? No one knows. They never keep the house.

   supporting Tiger Wood's habits by buying the last of his discontinued Gatorade.

   workin' hard all week to put beer on the table.

   Women are Angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we continue to fly . . . on a broomstick. We're flexible that way.

   Good girls go to heaven , Bad girls go everywhere!

   the best times to have a breakup...christmas, valentines and her birthday

   has been invited to go out tonight, but I'm a little scared...if a girl spends more then $200.00 on me...should I let her go past 2nd base???