Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Good, clean fun" is a euphemism for "having to get all dressed up and do something you don't want to, so your grandmother doesn't get sad"

   There should be one trained bear on each side for special teams plays in football

   If you want to see a basket full of uncomfortable people, break up with your girlfriend on a hot air balloon ride

   Most people who enjoy racecars don't know what a palindrome is

   OK true story, a very good friend of mine has a patient that comes see her and his name is Mr. Nicewonger, I mean come on dude even Mclovin was more orginal than that.

   There is no I in UGLY but there is a U!

   thinks you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose but you should never pick your friend's nose!

   thinking about everyone who came into my life and made it better... thanks! :)

   If they took all porn from the internet,all that would remain is a Facebook group called " Bring the Porn Back!"

   Someone stole all my Credit Cards but, I won't be Reporting it.....The Thief spends Less than my Wife did.

   * Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

   Time is money. If you want to save on one it will cost more of the other!

   why is it that most men think that women drivers are rubbish when most women were taught to drive by a man in the first place..

   Have you ever had one of those bad days when you felt like you were the thong and the world was Rosie O donnell?

   just passed an INCOMPETENCE test with flying colors!

   , if love isn't a game then why are there so many players?

   The only thing I won't eat for breakfast is lunch and supper!

   Love is blind. Hate is deaf. You'd think Stupid would be mute but I keep on talking.

   If actions speak louder than words,then why can't I hear mimes?

   Stealth Abs - When your ripped six pack is covered by a layer of fat.