Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Miley Cyrus awarding best original song at the Oscars...Irony defined?

   Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

   Unfortunetley for me, mirrors dont talk. Lucky for you, they dont laugh either.

   born with two helpings of brains but only half a helping of heart

   put my purse on the passenger seat and the passenger seatbelt light came on. Think it's time to clean out my purse??

   I understand you got your swag on, but could you walk a lil faster...?

   Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

   But what was he doing the first one who subscribed to Facebook?

   as anxious as a biker in front of a Toyota

   didn't mean to accept your friend request. This is the last status you will read.

   wondering why when the best actors are chosen by actors it is called the Oscars, but when the best actors are chosen by regular people it is called an election.

   i'm such a fabulous cook, even the smoke alarm is cheering me on!

   thinks that, instead of 45 secs, they should limit tonight's Oscar acceptance speeches to the same as Twitter, 140 characters!!

   It's about time to move my cheese

   I used to love hungary-hungary hippo..... what other game lets you slap somthing on the butt to open it's mouth and swallow balls?

   So...Tiger Woods, Kobe Bryant, and Ben Rothelisberger walk into a bar........

   wondering what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag around.

   Keep smiling. But not to the point where people begin to think you're mentally unbalanced.

   Did you know that when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm out and smack 'em in the head?

   Silence Is golden, Duct tape is sliver