Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have kill you too.

   Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic

   wondering if the city of Pittsburgh is proud that Ben Roethlisberger has the same number of superbowl wins as he does rape accusations?!

   I don't know what all the hype is about multitasking... I have tried it and it's isn't for me... It's just a fancy word meaning " you're screwing up several things at once".

   Next time you wanna get laid, crawl up a chickens a$$ and wait.

   This is odd... I just got a letter in the mail saying I'm being sued by Lindsay Lohan for throwing up last weekend?

   if you forgive someone, you automatically forfeit your right to constantly throw in their face reminding them of what they did.

   You think I like avoiding my wife and kids to hangout with nineteen year old girls everyday?

   I have an oven with a 'stop time' button. It's probably meant to be 'stop timer' but I don't touch it, just in case

   If Tylenol, Duct Tape & WD-40 can't fix it...you've got serious problems !!!

   sure now that after Mark Zuckerberg (founder of Facebook) was just announced as the youngest billionaire on Forbe's list, his mom doesn't tell him he's spending too much time on Facebook.

   The inventor of the "Bumpit" made millions selling that hair accessory to women. I'm going to invent the "F**kit" and market it to women for those bad hair days.

   over the years has realized that marriage is like a hand of poker, you start with a pair and end up with a full house...

   heard a guy at Starbucks talking loudly in his cell say, "I'm going to surprise her with a Jaguar." I'll only like him if he meant the cat..

   if guns kill people, then spoons make people overweight...

   wondering why there is a cork screw on a Swiss Army Knife. I can't remember the last time I encountered a wild bottle of Chianti in the wild..

   Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in awhile,nine out of ten people would have nothing to talk about.

   has been wondering... if you force sex on a hooker is it rape or shoplifting??

   Hopefully Paris Hilton never becomes a vampire. Sure she loves the nightlife, but she'll go nuts not being able to see her refection every 10 minutes.

   doing an environmental studies course and needs ideas on how to save trees. Answers on a postcard please.