Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They say that three out of four Americans have a mental illness of some kind. Look at three of your friends. If they seem okay,then you're that person.

   had a wonderful day. Unfortunately, this wasn't it.

   cautious. There is a "Stop Time" button on the microwave that was probably supposed to read "Stop Timer" but I don't press it, just in case.

   Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you're finished

   The sexual position 69 is now 96, due to the poor economy the price of eating out has gone up

   My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was?

   trust is like a mirror you can fix it if its broken but you can still see the crack in that mother fuckers reflection!

   wonders why is it that when someone wants to give me advice they "put their two cents in" but I only get "a penny for my thoughts". Where is that second penny going? I think I might be getting ripped off...

   it's not death I fear..........it's what they'll find on my computer when I go!!

   starting a facebook anonymous group to help people with their Fb addiction...we will meet 6 times a day right here on Fb...anyone interested?

   Beer: sometimes too much to drink isn't enough..

   You never really learn how to swear until you begin to drive.

   wishes her alarm clock had a rewind button

   ..is off to spend some quality time with her gf. Be back in two minutes! :-)

   PUA-FEN, people use acroynms for everything nowadays

   wondering how a MAN can't stop a PRIUS ......BUT....... Tiger woods wife stopped a ESCALADE WITH a 9iron

   Show me a man that doesn't cheat and I'll show you a woman who minds her own business

   remember to drink your beer. It's full of vitamin P.

   (asks: How much money do you have?) Let me put it this way...Last time I made a deposit at the bank..I got a standing ovation!

   If at first you don't succeed, dispose of the witnesses and say you did...