Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If anyone can figure out how to be indoors and outdoors at the same time, it will be a cat.

   attention walmart customers, obama has officially declared that the drug war has ended, we will be selling marijuana, crack, cocaine and heroin on isle 7. thank you and have a nice day

   I'm so going to Hell now! ..... The good news is I'll see a lot of familiar faces... I CALL SHOTGUN!!

   defeat is not the worst of failures, not to have tried is the true failure!

   the most successful people are those who are good at plan B.

   no dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.

   The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?

   She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were boinking.

   life is like a roll of toilet paper...the closer it gets to the end> the faster it goes...

   asked the waitress what she recommended and she said the spinach dip was bangin'. Not quite sure how I feel 'bout that.

   So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

   IF YOU DONT LIKE MY OPINION OF YOU, YOU CAN ALWAYS IMPROVE

   TOYOTA, ONCE YOU DRIVE ONE YOU'LL NEVER STOP

   With today being St Patricks day,I've decided to dedicate my life to helping leprechauns clean up thier act. They're always smoking the pot at the end of the rainbow.

   just decided to fire her personal trainer. It wasn't working out.

   saying, some people.... need a daily dose of... shut the f**k up!!!

   Dear Winter, I am breaking up with you. It's not me, it's you, you make me miserable. I think it's time I start seeing other seasons.

   Happy Alcoholidays

   going to pounce on you like a spider-monkey on crack

   mutilating a Foreigner song, just to be an a$$. "He's a juice box hero, with straws in his eyes!"