Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dont say i'm a "law abiding citizen" to the deputy who pulled you over with katt williams

   There are only 5 things we need in life: Good friends.. Good job.. Good food.. Good sleep..&"GOOD _UCK" whatever you are thinking. That's right! :D

   Nothing good can come from marrying a guy named Jesse James.

   thinks the only reason the Easter bunny hides his eggs is cause he doesn't want anyone to know he screwed a chicken.

   it's not me or my actions that bug you, it's that you let them bug you.

   NCAA March Madness Bracket TIME OF DEATH: 11:33pm, 03-18-10

   I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'

   does not think of himself as fat, he thinks of himself as being famine and drought resistant.

   when you think your life sucks, just remember that somewhere in the world is one poor b*stard named Mr. Pelosi....

   considering starting a Hooters for us girls. It will be called C*cks, feature a rooster instead of an owl, and only hire gorgeous, well-hung boy toys.

   OMFG I just saw this woman with Buckwheat in a headlock! Either that, or she's European.

   I don't think of it as a mess... I just think it's nice having everything I own in plain sight and within easy reach at all times!

   I'm no psychologist, but I'm pretty sure the only way to alleviate the guilt of eating a peanut butter cup is by eating 15 more.

   If it werent for the gutter my mind would be homeless!!!

   A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking. A wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.

   Recently, my Visa card was stolen. Now, it's 'everywhere I want to be'.

   I TOOK A DRUG TEST THE OTHER DAY AND THE TEST RESULTS CAME BACK NEGATIVE. WHICH MEANS MY DEALER HAS SOME F*CKING EXPLAINING TO DO...

   The police NEVER think it's as funny as I do!.(;

   Man can believe the impossible, but can never believe the improbable

   Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same