Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

   I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

   Its gonna be one of those days... I just got up and missed the floor

   I'm just a nobody, nobody's perfect, therefore I am perfect

   if I could only make myself believe

   a good night is always followed by a bad morning.

   "Kissing is like real estate. The mst important thing is location, location, location." :P

   "Sometimes we must get hurt in order to grow, we must fail in order to know, Sometimes our vision clears only after our eyes r washed away wid tears."

   I HaTe PeOpLe WhO WrItE tHiS wAy

   My girlfriend has very bad taste in clothing. Her only dress I love, is the one she takes off...

   Hell is Where: the Police are German, the Chefs are British, the Mechanics are French, the Lovers are Swiss and it's all organized by the Italians.

   Heaven is Where: the Police are British, the Chefs are Italian, the Mechanics are German, the Lovers are French and it's all organized by the Swiss.

   wonders why Noah didn't kill the mosquitoes while there were only two.

   "Hey, yall watch this sh*t." is always followed by an emergency room visit at my family reunion.

   Friend: Someone who draws on your face while passed out. True Friend: Someone who posts pictures of said drawings on Facebook.

   Sometimes when I see people I havent seen in a while, I think to myself... "Yeah... He's definitely been smoking crack."

   a womans dead body was discovered this morning with sperm in her eyes......the police say she probably saw her killer coming

   I saw a K9 sheriff car with a bumper sticker that said "Got dope?"

   I need some transition time from the weekend... can we drink during lunch breaks this week to get back to normal?

   Ever parked on the wrong side of the gas station, then turn the car around to realize you are still on the wrong side? Me either...