Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream. The best response was not "Was he hot?” I know this now.

   My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.

   *throws bottle with note into ocean *months pass *bottle with note washes up on beach “Your rescue request is very important to us...”

   *brings therapist to family gathering* Me: See? Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ

   Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined Me: no

   Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax

   Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start marinating the beaver.

   My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says "First, let me explain"

   'I can quit anytime I want' I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.

   Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor? Me: Yes, but I don't have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

   I dropped and broke an egg this morning. Yet another seven years of bad luck with the chicks...

   Adults in the wold read this symbol # as pound and women name a movement againt sexual harassment #metoo.

   Just bought some of that new Pelosi Vodka at the Liquor Store. It has no proof, either.

   There is a guy here at work that calls me "Chief." There's another guy here at work that calls me "Pardner." I'm beginning to feel like I'm a double-agent in a clandestine Cowboys and Indians war.

   Ladies, please remove your Apple Watch if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a Spy Kid.

   For next season’s “survivor” series, let’s get 16 politicians and force them to live on minimum wage.

   I got a speeding ticket yesterday...But my attorney, Rudy Giuliani, plead it down to 1st Degree Murder.

   I think it's a miracle Jesus was able to turn water into wine but I thank God each morning for giving me the ability to turn water into coffee.

   The phrases "Adam Schiff" and "Intelligence" can not be used in the same sentence.

   The thing I don't like about Twitter is don't give you enough room to write all your thoughts out and you always end up cutting short every sente