Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you get those pants on sale? cause I can get them 100% off

   Being up all night with a child didn't bother me so much when I was younger. This got me to thinking... I cannot believe menopause and teaching him how to drive a car is going occur in the same week!

   Traveled to the future and found out I'm flat-ass broke. Note to future self: Don't sell your boat and Plasma screen. Sell your wife.

   finds it quite ironic how "Lame-O" is ironically probalby the lamest insult ever invented.

   4 things you can't recover: The stone..after the throw. The word..after it's said. The occasion..after it's missed. The time..after it's gone.

   For some reason people drive by and laugh at you when you are sitting in the front of your boat using your laptop while the boat is in the driveway..It was to nice of a day not to be out in the boat. Just never made it to the lake. :)

   Had a dream I was stranded on a deserted island with Dracula and Rosie O donnell. Pretty spooky! One is a evil being that is pale,and will drain the life out of you.....And the other one's a vampire.

   It's funny how fast you can wake up when you realize you've overslept.

   so why is that every holiday we stuff ourselves full of ham or turkey or whatever? like we really need an occasion to indulge our inner fat kid??

   If you see me in ur dream...do tell me how to get out of there...;)

   What happens in Vegas doesn't stay in Vegas. It ends up on Facebook.

   In this world there is plenty of Room for all of gods creatures.....Right next to the Mashed Potatoes and Gravy!!!

   Dear Auntie Em, "I Hate you and I hate Kansas, I'm leaving and I'm taking the dog.... Love Dorothy.

   Today In the Facebook Stock Market, 'Happy Easter' status updates are up 200%, 'Stupid Group Invitations' are up 50%, 'Friendship Bonding' plummets and 'Exaggerations' are down 3.40 pts on the Nasdaq.

   some woman want their man to be smart, dead drop gorgeouse, with colourful personality, who can listen to them, who'loves shopping n chick movies. Well ladies I hate to tell you but man like those<<< called GAY. Appriciate a guy for who he is.

   making home made dynamite is so much fun

   yeah I called her up,she thinks I don't listen to her,or something,I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.

   Just letting my mind wander since it won't stop and ask for directions.

   Heard on the news, while hunting for Easter eggs the kids found a body, can you imagine nexy year when mom says come on lets see what the Easter Bunny brought you. I Picture kids screaming and crying, hell I would peobaly never celebrate Easter agian.

   Ok Who Else Hates How Celebs become More Famous After death Example Chris Kanyon Gurrreo Britney murphey And MJ