Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I remember when the phrase "I'm completely bald" only referred to your head.

   I can only listen to you cybergripe about your problems for so long before I expect a pic of your boobs as payment for my services.

   Watched my first Baseball Game of the year and can't understand why they sing, "Take Me Out to the Ballpark"? Duh......aren't you already at the ballpark if you're singing that song???

   You know, there's one good thing about Monday and it's...... hmm.... wait... let me get back to you on that.

   pretty proud of being able to give up Lent for Lent. Didn't think I could make it but with perserverence, I overcame the urges.

   There are easier things in life than finding a good man... like nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.

   Never chase after a man or a train - another one will always come along.

   I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures.

   Before you meet your prince you have to kiss a lot of toads.

   Wanted: Overnight Meaningful Relationship

   There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead.

   They couldn't repair my brakes, so they made my horn louder.

   Missing dog and wife. Reward for dog.

   Earth first! (We'll strip-mine the other planets later)

   They say the grass is greener on the other side, but have you ever flipped it over?

   No one feels as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.

   Never weed wack poison ivy in the nude.

   Cooking lesson #1: don't fry bacon in the nude.

   Always remember to pillage before you burn.

   I promise... no more sex with anybody... unless they really, really, need it