Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just did a shot of wheatgrass* and now I'm off to the gym**! (*=bourbon, **=pub)

   going to write a meaningful new Facebook status update, filled with deep, thoughtful sentiments, but screw that.

   I just love some of the things men say to get us into bed"Baby I'll only put it in for one minute!"What am I?!?!A fricken microwave!?!!!

   The function of muscle is to pull and not to push, except in the case of the genitals and the tongue.~Leonardo Da Vinci

   looking at the "voluntary" tax contribution box on his 1040 form and wondering what planet those IRS guys are from.

   says having kids means having pictures in my wallet where I used to have money!!

   Waking up on a Monday morning isn't hard. Convincing myself that getting out of bed is worth it---that's the real challenge

   maybe it's just me, but the term "cul-de-sac" always makes me think of a scrotum.

   -- Is it called a "Wonderbra" because when she takes it off you wonder, where the f**k have her t*ts gone ?......

   If there's one thing I like to rock,it's casbahs.

   women are much smarter than men.Think about it,diamonds are girls' best friend...a mans best friend is a dog.

   wondering why abbreviated is such a long word?

   You're one of those people who pushes when the door says pull aren't you?

   you should never brag on your spouse because as soon as you do, next thing you know they're f-ing a tattooed nazi

   I'm no Proctologist, but I know an a**hole when I see one.

   What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common? They can both smell it, but can't eat it!

   when the roomates away, in my underwear I will stay

   "You want the booth?!? You can't handle the booth!" Jack Nicholson working at Perkins

   Phil mickleson has by far the sloppiest titties of any professional athletes that I have ever seen.

   Tiger Woods ended his week at the Masters with an impressive 69.. His golf was also quite successful.