Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A lot of people have made decisions about what I should do with my life; unfortunately, it hasn't worked out too well for them.

   asks for patience to deal with stupid people and courage to tolerate their ignorance because Lord only knows if I ask for strength I will beat them to death!

   out of bed ... waking up is another story ...

   Dear God, I've been very good today, no grumpy thoughts, no swearing and I haven't been mean at all, but I'm about to get up now and I may need your help :))))))

   No I don't need new shoes, I just want them!

   yes I do have a sence of humour and I have a certificate to prove it.... my marriage certificate!!!

   It's been announced that Nigeria has 22,980,000 internet users. I've received emails from every single one.

   's girlfriend was out playing golf and got hit between the 1st and 2nd holes. Doesn't leave much room for a Band-Aid

   If George Washington never told a lie...then how did he get elected?

   going to attempt to quad boot.... (Windows 7,OSX snow lepord, Ubuntu 10.04 and Chrome OS!) ...my poor laptop... I will format you back to just windows soon...

   We may lag behind the Chinese in math and science, but we are absolutely kicking their butts in the tattooed homewreckers category.

   Which is the best new slur for hipsters: Fauxhemian or Doucheoisie? I'm thinking Doucheoisie.

   I could never bring myself to kill....however, I do have a list of some pretty sweet hiding spots.

   The most stunning thing about Obama's nuclear announcement was that we have a President who can pronounce "nuclear."

   Ricky Martin has answered the question, "Are you gay?". But for many, another question remains: "Who's Ricky Martin?"

   I wonder if the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks by claiming all his appendages were "elephant-sized".....

   Sarah Palin probably thinks Obama's drilling plan doesn't go far enough in terms of wrecking the environment.

   Just ONE Saturday night I'd like to go without drunk-dialing Barbara Walters.

   According to Apple, 300,000 people did not have sex this weekend.

   If aliens landed & saw Glenn Beck, they'd be like, "Oh, he has a show here too?"