Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   save your breath.... You'll need it to blow up your date!

   He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab.....

   The pollen levels are so high this year that it has the crackheads trying to convert their meth back into Sudafed..

   Nickelback-Flash…..Why would Tiger Woods risk being seen at a Nickelback concert?......then again why would any guy risk being seen at a Nickelback concert?

   The Washington Redskins: Where pro football players go to let there career die.

   thinks life is unfair. So many rules; so little time to break them....

   At first, I was thinking of gifting my friend an iPad for his birthday, but on a second thought, I might just gift hm a magnifying glass for his iPhone...

   I don't get drunk .. I get AWESOME!!

   I know what Cinco de Mayo is, I just don't know when it is.

   thinks facebook needs a "who cares" button

   I LOVE it when people that I don't like friend request me on Facebook, I feel like St. Peter --- DE-NIED! Ü

   ...reminds you that today is Administrative Professionals Day and Hump Day, but it is NOT Hump Your Administrative Assistant Day...

   skinny genes...

   so happy it's finally Hump Day! Oh, and I'm pretty excited it's Wednesday too.

   Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?(A} Almost Boobs {B} Barely there {C} Can't Complain! (D) Dang! (DD) Double Dang! (F) Fake. (G) Get a Reduction. (H)Help me, I've fallen and I can't g

   Yo momma's so fat that when she was cremated,all the flights in Europe got cancelled.

   Hav you heard of the new drug doctors r giving to depressed lesbians??..its called TRYDICAGAIN!!

   I wonder why I always feel like I have to press the Enter Key really hard and noisy??

   What's the difference between Cheryl Cole and the Icelandic volcano? The volcano's still blowing ash.

   bought some sea sickness tablets for my holiday. On the side of the box, under the list of possible side effects: 'May cause nausea' - yeah thanks for that!