Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I looked out from my house, there were no cars....no people around, and my neighbors driveways were empty. It was quiet.......too quiet. Of course you would be thinking the same thing as I was..........that's right...Zombies!

   Premature Ejaculation ads make car rides awkward.....

   Instead of Facebook asking "What's on your mind?", it should ask "What kind of drama do you have today?"

   I almost forgot I cheated on my diet until my wife found panties in my truck!

   Instead of Facebooks asking "What's on your mind?", it should ask "Where's the beef?"

   getting bored with Dear Diary, oops she means Facebook. Just because facebook asks you "What's on your mind?" doesn't mean you have to answer, if it ask you to jump off a bridge would you do that to?

   I don't know about you, but I'm pretty disgusted by the "tips for a tiny belly" ads.

   I almost forgot that I had cheated on my diet Then I found that darned crumb in my bra.

   How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?

   Helloooo summer. How I've missed you and your lack of responsibilities...

   Condom says to Tampax.."You put me outta Business for 1 week a month. Tampax says to Condom..."If you don't do your job I lose mine for 9 months."

   girl next to me at work is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup... NICE!

   A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

   Dear AT&T Wireless, Thanks for transferring me to nine different agents with nine different accents...I am exhausted from this world-wide tour.

   I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

   "NO STRAW...STUPID McDONALDS DRIVE-THRU JA..oh there it is.

   I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

   Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity

   The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

   How do you identify Dolly Parton's children at a party? They're the ones with stretch marks around their mouths.