Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One night stands in hotel rooms just don't do it for me anymore. ...That's why I always ask for a bed with two night stands.

   The truth is, when I start a statement with "the truth is" I'm usually lying my @ss off

   You never know what I have up my sleeve. Today, for instance, it was a goldfish cracker.

   The list of things I won't eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.

   likes to think that when I squish an ant, its final thought is, "Good. Being an ant blows."

   "Did you say, 'I'd like to meet her?'" Me: No. I said, I'd like to meat her.

   “Facebook is the people you went to school with. Twitter is the people you wished you went to school with.”

   The best relationship is the one that's built on love and lust.. sry sry TRUST

   Z is the last letter in the alphabet because it overslept.

   thought it was called physical education, not physical movement!

   wondering why the chick who flipped me off in the parking lot this morning couldn't find a better use for that finger. She could have been so much happier!

   I was given 4 E's and LSD last night… Such an awful start to a game of scrabble.

   I just saw a message in my alphabet soup. It says OOOOOO. Oh wait….I'm eating Cheerios

   A huge mass of slimy ooze is moving towards New Orleans. I'm confused as I didn't think the Eagles played the Saints this year.

   Solution to two of the world's problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry.

   God: An invisible friend for adults

   You shouldn't say anything mean about people who can't read. You should write it instead.

   it's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now sounds a little better than, it's 1:15, I'm trashed & horny...

   being a mother is like Hotel California, you can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave:S

   To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.