Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   'Me and my shadow' my @ss...whenever I get caught, that b!tch runs!

   do you really want Miracle Water made by Rev. Peter Popoff.com

   I don't know if I Should be mad at you or my phone.. because when you called me under "Restricted" my phone didn't use your specific ringtone. so now I'm stuck talking to you!!"

   fighting crime at the source...i'm donating to Planned Parenthood.

   suppose evolution is true,a million years from now we'll have oil producing fish.

   there is a midget in line in front of me at the Walgreens. He has a bag of pork rinds and a box of condoms...my question...which one do you think was the impulse buy?

   Seriously, dude in front of me at the register...digging in your pants for the last 2 minutes for change is making you look kinda creepy...

   not sure we're using this internet thingy properly. He just Googled 'Partridge Family Theme Song Lyrics' and got 97,000 pages that had them. Seriously? He thinks one page is quite enough. Maybe 2, for a backup in case one goes down.

   If a cop stops me and says "papers" and I say "scissors" do I win?

   *When I m Studying parents dont see.When I takes a break parents- "why dont I ever see you study?"

   going cow tipping in FarmVille...Don't say I didn't warn you...

   hypothetical high five.... wait for it...... NICE!!

   I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what I do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, I draw the line. I'm sorry but I just can't let you beat me at mario kart

   i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passed out. when you wish upon a star...

   her breakfast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didnt want, and water that I slipped birth control into....Who says chivalry is dead!!

   The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, but it still has to be mowed!

   Dear Beer,I forgive You for abandoning me during tough times during the week, I love You for coming back on weekend and will French kiss You, till sobriety do us apart!

   I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me -- they were cramming for their finals!

   [Due to Improper conduct on facebook and writing randomly on walls, Facebook has removed my status bar ]

   I Never Finish My Eraser Because It Is Either Stolen,Lost,or Cut In Half