Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Orioles have been so bad for so long that MLB is now requiring them to take performance enhancing drugs

   Dear Obama, Just a question… if I somehow am able to sneak into the White House (Illegally)… and I am wearing my normal day to day clothes, looking suspicious... Is it fair to assume that I won't be asked for my crudentials as long as I'm good?

   how am I supposed to look at the glass as half full when I drank all the beer??

   we don't choose who you fall in love with, we can only pray that thay fall in love with us too ♥

   When the World calmly tells you, "Give Up" on your struggles to success, You whisper back and say, "Hell...No"

   ☆:*´¨`*twinkle twinkle little star...point me to the nearest bar *´¨`*:.☆ HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!!

   Sharting: (verb) when you try to cut the cheese and get the whole nacho dip.

   loves how Trig Palin is named after a math class he'll never pass.

   Childhood obesity is not funny. Ok mabey it is a little, Chubby little kids woddling around.

   Eight deaths in one year at a Chinese phone manufacturing plant? There's an App for that.

   Can't stand the automatic bathroom appliances... WTF... I am not done.. Thanks for the generous water ration... Btw, your paper towels are like sand paper

   Crack,meth,heroine. All these drugs should be manufactured by pharmacutical companies. That way,no one could afford them.

   Do You Really expect everybody to believe your "in a relationship" with someone who doesn't have facebook? Your fooling no one..

   I'm sick of Canadians sneaking across the border and stealing our hockey jobs.

   Sarah Palin thinks US law should be based on the Bible. As the most attractive female in national politics, I think she'd be far more successful doing an arm-in-arm political fashion tour with the most attractive man in Washington, Ann Coulter.

   BP says their latest cleanup technique is called a "Dirty Sanchez." I don't want details.

   Not to scare anyone, but we're only a decade or so away from grandmothers named Amber or Brittany.

   After five minutes of forced conversation, I've just realized that this person sitting across from me is not, in fact, Tony Danza

   Tried to log into my WellsFargo.com account with my MILF-Hunter.com password. Oh, whatever, like you never did that!

   When is that 1/2 man on '2 and and 1/2 Men' going to officially become a man?