Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

   House Guarded By Shotgun 3 Days A Week. Guess Which Days.

   I skinned my elbow on the headboard while making the bed. Does this mean I am dangerous in bed?

   all for the "going green" thing, but she just can't bring herself to buy toilet paper that says, "100% Recycled."

   thinks we will soon know if Al Gore still believes in cap and trade after divorce redistributes HIS wealth

   blames Al and Tippers divorce on all of those hung Chads...

   rumor is that Tipper Gore is suing for half the Internet.

   what do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? full

   On a walk, my stepdaughter saw a pay phone, asked what it was. I made him look it up on his Blackberry.

   I use really strong sunblock. It's SPF 100. I squeeze the tube and a sweater comes out.

   How come so many people Roll On The Floor *Laughing*? If I'm rolling on the floor, it's usually because I'm on fire. Send help.

   If age is just a number, can I get mine unlisted?

   I can't believe I paid $6 for diahrea thanks Taco Bell!

   I always confuse the words exotic and erotic. That made for a very awkward conversation at my local pet store.

   I can never remember whether or not I'm supposed to mess with Texas.

   Match.com says it's responsible for more dates leading to marriages that any other online site. And yet, it has no warning label.

   The fine print on Krazy Glue reads, "The only two things this product will successfully attach are your fingers and this tube."

   Only spell it "errbody" if literally each person in the club is gettin tipsy.

   making love to your pregnant wife is like putting gas in a car you've already wrecked.

   on a seefood diet,,,, I see food and eat it