Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Even if you preface it with "I think strippers smell nice", saying "You smell like a stripper" has a way of being misconstrued.

   You Canadians spell humor as "humour." American humor is better. We can do it without u.

   If you kill two birds with one stone, ..you'd better be prepared for those damn PETA people to show up at your door.

   Roses are red. Violets are blue. She has 5 fingers and the middle one's for you.

   If a large box of cereal is considered "Family Size", would a large box of condoms be considered "Prevent a Family" size?

   We Need Captain Planet ,Let are Powers Combined

   all for 7 day weekends

   Everybody's gonna hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.

   wants everyone to remember that when it seems like God has turned His back on you and He seems so far away....remember this...He's not the One that moved.

   Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck. In that case, be me ;)

   theres more characters on facebook than the chinese language.

   Ladies, we need to sitdown and have a talk about these painted on eyebrows yall be wearin..

   They say that licking the back of a frog cures depression. The only problem is that once you stop,the frog gets depressed again.

   People reckon I'm too patronising (that means I treat them as if they're stupid).

   He hate hangovers..I mean the drinking part is awesome though.

   went to the dark side but came back cause they lied about having cookies....

   Why don't blind men skydive?...........Because it scares the sh*t out of the dog.

   Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

   has heard that Toyota's new 2011 Camry will be so advanced it recalls itself.

   The one person that BP has not called on to fix the oil leak is MacGyver. he can do it with a stick of gum a Q-tip and some tin foil!!!