Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After I die, they will look through my portfolio of Facebook status updates and see that my life was not wasted.

   I like Facebook because I can say whatever I want about anyone as long as it's carefully worded so you can't tell that I'm talking about you, Sarah.

   Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

   I know where children get their energy... they drain it from their parents!

   I read the rules and decided they are stupid so I will be making my own from now on.

   I took your survey, sent you a round, tended your garden, poked you, hugged you, and sent you 10 useless gifts. It's hard being a Facebook friend.

   I've decided that, instead of being a good example, I'll be a warning.

   Express Lane: Five beers or less.

   If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.

   Make love, not war. Hell, do both, GET MARRIED!

   I have a new philosophy to foster peace and harmony in the universe: GIVE ME WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT IT.

   No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her $hit.

   Beauty is only a light switch away.

   cooler than the other side of the pillow! :P

   Burger King and Dairy Queen live in a White Castle, down the street from the Golden Arch and they have a daughter named Wendy.

   at a BP gas station pumping gas.. somebody got to support SMALL businesses!

   Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

   Anything that is not about elephants is irrelphant.

   Just been watching some paralympic basketball. The shooting and passing is pretty crap but the dribbling is amazing.

   I Hate It When I Go To Bed And Forget To Turn My Swag Off.