Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When asked "What would you bring with you to a deserted island", how come no one ever replies, "A boat."?

   With all the technology available now, you'd think they'd have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.

   Sunburn is only a laughing matter when it happens to someone else.

   how many hijackings with nail clippers and shampoo have there been? None, that's how many!

   If the show is called America's Got Talent, how come Howie Mandel is hosting it?

   A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

   She has a million dollar figure. But the top half is counterfeit.

   Never tell a dyslexic to cop a feel. Either way, they'll get hurt.

   Relly hopes the weekend comes as quick as some of her exes

   - Definition of Keyring---A handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your f**king keys at once.....

   In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence

   Bing is a great website, for internet searches. I know this, because I Googled it.

   Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny

   filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?

   attempting to give a fuck: ███████████████████] 99% Complete... ERROR!: Unable to give a fuck.

   found a dead lizard on the back porch...apparently, a reptile dysfunction.

   So where are all the "Save the Gulf" concerts? We can send bjillions to Haiti but forget the working folks in the Gulf, eh?

   Don't hold onto anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love !

   Why do all Mexican restaurants serve Pepsi and not Coke?

   Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?