Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It was an accident officer. I was cleaning my fingernails. With ahunting knife. And he ran into me. Backwards. 17 times.

   I heard that the teen years are a time of rapid changes. I agree, but not exactly what I was expecting; since my daughter has turned 13 I have aged 20 years.

   Precision. Concentration. Patience & Fearlessness. 4 skills I possess whilst shavin my nuts that I wish I could apply to other aspects of my life!

   am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens

   Before an argument with your wife/girlfriend, they should read you your Miranda rights........because whatever you say WILL be used against you.

   The word tsunami is not in my phones predictive text dictionary. So if you get a text from me saying, thumang!! Get the off the beach.

   wishing he lived life like Cyde & Ely Shoelace on youtube!!!

   Do you ever think that Kermit looked at Mrs. Piggy and said, gee.... I sure would like me some bacon.

   takes the "THE" out of psychotherapist...

   Maybe Adam should have spent more than just a rib......Just saying...

   honestly......who bends over to pick a nickel up off the ground anymore.....

   The oil spill is getting bad. There is so much oil and tar now in the Gulf of Mexico, Cubans can now walk to Miami

   Ok, I have to stop yelling at this TV like the Celtic players can hear me! It's not making them play better and it is making me hoarse.

   flipping channels and saw a girl I hooked up with about a year ago on the Maury show talking about she had only been with two guys and she was 100% he was the father of her baby. It was hilarious! I stopped laughing when Maury said you are not the father

   life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, its about learning how to dance in the rain!

   ever notice how the automatic flush sensors in public restrooms kinda look like hidden cameras?

   I try to live every day as though it were my last, and who wants to do laundry on the last day they're alive?

   You know since my son was never born, seein' as how i've never actually had consensual sex without money being involved, i've always considered you to be, well, something I could live next door to in accordance with State law

   Even God hates BP! Lightning struck the tanker today and started a fire!

   wondering when BP is going to change the warning label on its gas from; Product contains up to 10% Ethanol, to, Product contains up to 50% salt water....