Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Football is a game in which a handful of men run around for one and a half hours watched by millions of people who could really use the exercise.

   When I was your age I lost my tooth..not my virginity...

   walked past victoria secret the lady said are bras are 50% off I said I like when they are 100% off

   Researchers at the university of Minnesota have linked tanning beds to brain damage. They were able to do this after watching only one episode of "Jersey Shore".

   Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away.

   This 'itch', That 'itch', Jovanovic! Stojkovic! : This is what you get for the holocaust, b!tch!

   It still haunts me to this day; what I did for that Klondike Bar.........

   A hurricane is the only way to wash away the pain

   decided it was time to leave the restroom when the guy in the stall next to me shouted "RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!"

   just heard Miley Cyrus is releasing a new song and dedicating it to Perez Hilton...it's called "Party In The Cell Block A"......

   didn't waste his time with Windows and bought a Mac instead. My name's Randee and common sense was my idea

   said to an ugly chick he wanted to give her ONE. ''I wouldnt touch you she said. ''I wouldnt touch you either'' I said, I was rating you out of TEN''

   When meeting your girlfriend's parents for the first time it's hard not to think to yourself... "I've licked your daughter's nipples."

   thank you for trojan for sending the defective condom in the pack my parents bought, thanks to you, I'M HERE!!! Happy Fathers day DAD!!!!!

   writing his name on a steemed mirror,,,,,,

   Thank you dad for not pulling out!! (to be used on father's day)

   never going to Costco hungry again, I just spent 200 bucks on chips and dip...WTF!!?

   wondering why he/she is talking in 3rd person, hmmm he/she is still thinking

   concerned by the NBA champions LA LAKERS with Ron Artest thanking his "hood", Phil telling his guys to grab their loose balls, and Kobe doin work so much to get his man Phil back once again.

   I hate allergies! Does anybody know how to turn Meth back into Sudafed? Just asking!