Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The good old days weren't always good, and tomorrow ain't as bad as it seems..

   Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed.

   Take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back

   ...Today's Random English Tip: Remember, it's 'i' before 'e', except in Budweiser, where it's 'e' before 'i', and then several 'p's afterward...

   watching Man vs. Food and wonders how many more food challenges can this guy take before he has a massive heart attack?

   after all those years working at the Nuclear Power Plant, Uncle Ron was the hands-down favorite to win the 3-legged race.

   It's not so much that "I don't like" my neighbors as "I hate 'em"

   I'm going to go to the eclipse premier tonight and budge in front of every single girl in that line.

   sooooo hot. In a completely unrelated matter, it is rather warm today.

   I get blamed for everything. Looks like I have no choice but to run for president.

   Ladies I think we should file a class action suit against Calgon...After years and years of waiting for it to take us away..It hasn't taken us any damn where!

   Osama Bin Laden has updated his facebook status. The FBI has left the afganistan/Pakistan border and is now searching for him in Farmville.

   so excited for another day of having to listen to how great a teenage girls struggle between necrophilia and bestiality is

   people will believe anything if you whisper it.

   I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

   Wipe your mouth. There's still a tiny bit of bullsh*t around your lips.

   Let me know if anyone's hiring right now... I specialize in destroying alarm clocks and petting kittens.

   Nothing makes me feel more American than the fact that my button has just popped off of my pants.

   Deleting your Facebook account is a quick way to find out what people will say at your funeral.

   the reason why I don't watch most reality tv shows is because of the elimination round why does everyone leave quietly? I personally would come out swearing and breaking things best to end with a bang right?