Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The reason you can't fool all of the people all of the time is because half of them are women.

   When your favorite song comes on and you excitedly say "Yo this is my jam!" You should know, I die a little bit inside for knowing you.

   My front door mat actually says "Come back with a warrant."

   "Grandpa's ghost hovers all around the house. It's scary!" "He's not dead! And that's his Hoveround power chair!" "Well, he smells dead."

   The squirrels are mocking me by doing that spiral-run-up-a-tree thing. They know I wish I could do that and how stupid I look when I try.

   Suffering from male pattern drunkenness.

   I didn't call you crazy. All I said was, "you look like you might own 400 cats"

   You know it's a bad traffic jam when people start are sitting on top of their cars..

   I am under: paid, pressure, followed, rated, the gun, the radar, the influence, the weather and the wrong impression. WTF

   So what's the dating website for drunk, blonde, recent college graduates who do not want to find a job called?

   The Revolutionary War went on for like 8 years, yet we settle for a 3 day weekend? The founders would be so disappointed.

   Hearses are so depressing. I'd like my casket transported via segway.

   America: We blow sh*t up better than the rest of yous funny-talkin' countries.

   Nobody gets treated worse than a fast food worker who gets an order wrong.

   No I wasn't born in a barn, but you know who was? Jesus.

   I have mosquito bites on my feet and I'm thinking the knee is probably the easiest point of amputation.

   Ugly is such an ugly word. If you must describe me I'd prefer if you used the term "handsomely-challenged

   “You can't stop loving or wanting to love because when its right, it's the best thing in the world. When you're in a relationship and it's good, even if nothing else in your life is right, you feel like your whole world is complete.”

   it's hotter than two mice f*cking in a wool sock!

   I wonder if I could just pay a psychiatrist to follow me on Facebook. I'd be able to skip the therapy sessions, and the doc could just send me the appropriate pills based on my status updates.