Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder what a camel thinks of when he looks at his toe...

   I'm putting out my own sex tape. Sure, it's only duct tape, but you can use it for sex too.

   doesn't care how many dirty looks he gets, he thinks it's funny when his 3 year old flubs up something in public and goes "Oh, Jesus Cwist!".

   I've missed you guys like a retard misses the point.

   I'm never getting married. After learning another Bachelorette couple has split, I simply don't know what love is anymore.

   Lingerie is just expensive wrapping paper.

   "You look like you work out", said no one, to me.

   headed out for a quiet beer. Followed by ten noisy ones...

   it's impossible to fool-proof anything because fools are so ingenious.

   there are more important things in life than money. The trouble is, they all cost money.

   a bartender is just an under-qualified pharmacist.

   A procrastinator's work is never done.

   I wonder what the word for dots looks like in braille

   I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like ‘Huh? What the hell is this?', but if it's in a fruit basket you're like ‘

   thinks the digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly

   You may be out of my sight... but never out of my mind... I Miss You!

   took your survey, sent you a round, tended your garden, poked you, hugged you, and sent you 10 useless gifts. It's hard being a Facebook friend.

   tired. Tried to fall back asleep this mornig, but couldnt, woke up with such a stiffy, I had no skin left to close my eyes!

   I've lost most of my hearing, but it's okay because it turns out the only thing people say to me is "nothing, nevermind."

   The cost of a stamp is going up 2 cents. I'll e-mail all my friends and let them know.