Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fireworks Safety: Do not set off fireworks near children, pets, or the Gulf of Mexico.

   sometimes picture you drowning then they laugh so hard then the people they hang out with thinks they're crazy

   wondering why after sweating on a hot day; a hot shower feels good?

   I might not see you all the time but your always on my mind!!

   siting at her comp and staring at the screen waitting for you to talk to her

   If beer came in 7 packs, it would be easier to calculate your needs week to week.

   Nothing will cure your baseball game hunger for a hotdog than a fat guy sitting in front of you with a 5 inch butt crack staring at you.

   I wish my past could be my future

   Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, b*tches"

   Sex is like Pizza... even when it's bad it's still pretty good.

   Set a goal so big that if you achieved it, it would blow your mind

   The 5-second rule is real! Earlier I ate a chip that was on the floor for 6.7 seconds, and here I am at the ER.

   Let love come to you, be patient. In fairy tales they don't find each other until the last page :)

   wonders if who ever reads this would they ever make it to the end.. hehe they finished what losers

   It's never too late to start secretly playing air guitar.

   wonders if there is a cure for "dumbassness" if so, I know a few people who need a dose

   Social Networking is like Judaism based religions. 1st was Myspace, difficult to understand and these days they think there"special." 2nd came facebook; full of Hypocrites and false dreams. Lastly came Twitter; rarely understood by many and hated by most

   thinks that a couch in a nudist colony has to smell like ass.

   What happened to Swine Flu?

   Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation