Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert has been spotted driving to Miami wearing a so-called "astronaut diaper," eyewitnesses reported today

   Switched my GPS to the male voice. Got tired of it announcing turns after we'd passed them and telling me to stop and ask for direction

   if brain cells were made from dynamite, you wouldnt have enough to blow your nose!

   You can take all my instruments away for making music, but I will always have my heart that makes the beat. Music is always with you, its what you make of it.

   I had dinner with Cheech and Chong earlier. It was great! But those brownies we had for dessert tasted kind of strange.

   This just in... Lebron James chose Sunny D over the purple stuff!

   CNN reporting- Lebron James chose Kit-Kat over Snickers even though the snickers was said to be more satisfying...

   Can someone please check on Cleveland? I'm concerned because they've been in the bathroom a long time.

   The most tedious part of being an Afghani phone sex operator is describing what I'm wearing.

   Why's Lil Wayne still in Jail? Someone should work on breaking him out. Call T-Pain, I hear he has a boat.

   If practicing your autograph is g@y, I don't wanna be straight.

   Who's the genius that gave the police sirens?

   Happiness is spelled C-A-S-H

   If you had another brain it would be lonely! :)

   doing the exact opposite of what his/her horoscope says.

   Have you ever noticed how some people just won't stop texting even after you shoot them the one word answers repeatedly?

   If someone calls me fat, I don't get angry. I just turn the other chin.

   Women are like refrigerators; cold on the inside, you always want to put your meat in them, and they all belong in the kitchen.

   87x/59(1 x)=(18*7x)*(67-x).....f*ck this, I'm going to be a stripper.

   Honk if you love Jesus, text while driving if you want to meet him.