Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast.

   Two iPhones got married. It was a lovely ceremony, but the reception was awful... Aparently they held it in the wrong place

   Why.....do the best-looking cars have the dumbest drivers

   downloading all the audio from the Mel Gibson tapes and making ring tones out of them

   100 calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off.

   Giving this positive outlook thing the old college try. Which means I'll only try on Tuesdays and Thursdays after noon.

   Its been a business doing pleasure with you...

   I enjoy watching uptight people try to act laid back.

   Traffic lights are society's way of mocking the colorblind.

   Behind every great man is a ninja. And behind that ninja is another ninja.

   OMG, you drink near beer? That's like when my sister circled all the Waldo's in my "Where's Waldo Book?" totally worthless and not enjoyable.

   In a Relationship w/ Friday. "I'm really happy to see you again, you know how much I love you and miss you. Although we only see each other once a week, you never fail to make me happy. What I really like the most about you is that UNLIKE GIRLS, you don't

   Was once told that you will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one...by the time I realized it was a figure of speech... She had already hit the ground.

   Some people should shove sticks up their a*ses like lollipops cause they are nothing but f**king suckers!

   The reason guys don't have problems with underarm fat? We were born with shake weights already attached

   The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when they fill out a job application.

   You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"

   sometimes feels like a booger on the dashboard of life

   didn't think I needed a dude for anything...but batteries aren't gonna help me move this furniture around.

   I just ordered a cup of coffee from a BP gas stations and the attendant spilled it... why am I not surprised!