Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

   quit my job in the helium balloon factory... I refuse to be spoken to in that tone

   Little known fact: "Ikea" is actually Swedish for the sound one makes when sh*tty furniture falls apart.

   i suppose those highway signs that read "Speed enforced by aircraft" has a more serious meaning in Iraq.

   if you poke, please poke responsibly

   What's 7 inches long with a purple head and women love it? ... A twenty pound note!

   Mel Gibson's girlfriend coulda had it worse... HE COULDA been a Brazilian Goalkeeper...

   peer preasure wont work I will not try your the automatic friend frinder facebook

   WTF is up with people hating on HipHop these days? Thanks to Lil Wayne,I now know that a "Goblin" is better than a "Goon", Pitbull taught Me how to count to 4 in Spanish, and Plies taught me how to be intimate with a woman by pouring Kool-Aid down her a$$

   I may not meet my wife in college...But I damn sure have met my bros throwing my bachelor party

   I stood in front of a mirror for 10 minutes to watch myself blink... I missed it everytime!

   trying to find Osama is like trying to find Waldo....I give up.

   Shakeweight.......most akward way of working out xD

   IPhone 4 should have just came out on T-Mobile b/c they have one thing in~\..........Hello, Hello...../~common

   Scientists they don't know why this is true, but it's true. Women with big rear ends live longer.. Men who tell them that, Don't."

   Oh didnt I tell you? Must have been none of your f*cking business."

   if Silvia Brown wanted to really impress me, she should send me a note telling me that she knows that I'm not gonna be at her concert.

   If at the end of your life you have no regrets, you did it wrong.

   Attn BP: When this is all over, will the Gulf of Mexico be regular, midgrade or premium?

   I am a kind of paranoid in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy.