Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have a friend who's a homicide detective. His business card says, "Our day begins, when yours ends."

   ♫ This is my facebook. This is my gun. This is for updating, inviting, posting, laughing, flirting, whining, arguing, venting, complaining, fighting, this is for fun. ♫

   not a California girl but is still unforgettable .

   Tonya Harding is preggo and getting married. Break out the banjo's, it's anouther white trash wedding!

   going to get married. So what if it is a cardboard cut-out.....don't judge me!

   Dear 5 Hour Energy, What in the HELL is your idea of this flavor you call "berry?" Dingle?!

   You know you're ugly when you can't even get poked on facebook

   I'd tap that...Haha....kidding I wouldn't even poke that on Facebook.

   If your parents didn't have children, chances are you won't either

   A friend of mine bought an iPod Touch. I checked it out... It's just like an iPhone, but you can't make calls. No wait, it's exactly like an iPhone.

   Many great discoveries are made by not following instructions.

   I was so drunk last night , I went to bed with Bo Derek and woke up with Bo Diddley

   Oops they got my order wrong again. I ordered an extra large weekend,hold the Monday. I'll wait in bed until they get it right!

   Getting older means I no longer have the energy to do many of the things I enjoy in life, for example being awake.

   nothing last forever, so live it up, drink it down, laugh it off, avoid the bullsh*ts, take chances, never have regrets because at one point everything you did was exactly what you wanted 2 do!!

   Why do you keep liking your own status? Of course you would like it, you f**king posted it!

   just seen a man wearing pinki capri's, must be a foreigner..

   If you are brave to say "good bye", life will reward you with a new "hello"

   There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works

   When I say "I understand", it doesn't mean I agree, it doesn't mean I understand, it certainly doesn't not mean I'm listening.