Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The trouble with life is there's no background music

   Wondering if you plugged your nose and your mouth while you sneezed, would it come out of your ears or would your head explode?

   If you've seen one child on a leash, you've seen a mall

   The trumpeter blew it while auditioning for the symphony.

   The YMCA has officially shortened it's name to "The Y". You know times are tough when letters are even getting laid off.

   I don't understand the whole gay women play softball thing. Please explain to me because it's a bunch of girls who like to hold wood & catch balls in spandex on their free time...

   The BP oil is seeping into Bedrock. I'll bet Fred Flintstone is furious.

   wondering why Dora never tells her parents about the fox that keeps stalking her."

   I caught myself updating my Facebook status in my sleep & I think I actually would've posted it if the rumble strips on the highway didn't wake me up first.

   Some couples hold hands because theyre afraid that if they let go theyd kill each other

   woke up in the morning feeling like P Diddy

   If I was a bird, I know who I'd s**t on first...

   “Even in a happy relationship, it's seems to be possible to have a wandering eye or even crave affection from another person.

   Get a backbone and say NO if you don't want to do something, ignoring calls and texts is a cowards way out. Grow a pair!!!

   A woman should know how to look like a girl, how to act like a lady, how to think like a man." :)

   wants you to know that Alcohol is Never the answer. Unless, of course, the question is "What is C2H5OH?"

   I swear Idiots are like the Air ...they're everywhere..

   I propose that Jesus must have been a Zombie. Lets look at the facts: He came back from the dead, He wants you drink his blood and also eat his flesh so that you have ever lasting life. Or maybe... a vampire-zombie? Hmm... futher study is needed.

   tHInks pEOPle WHo TyPE LikE thiS aRe retARDed.

   Zaa Zaa Gabor is doing well after her hip replacement surgury. The hip was donated by the Museum of Natural History