Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   this salad would really benefit from more bacon and less of this green stuff.

   women are the only people I know who can go out broke and come home drunk.

   After a some thought, I am thinking I would LOVE to hear a phone taped conversation between Rod Blagojevich and Mel Gibson!

   with out ME, you're just AWESO

   You're either NEXUS or you're against us!

   A great way to start my day, I got a speeding ticket on my way to work & got written up for getting late...

   I want to be a bird. Not because I want the feeling of flight, but because I want to poop on people.

   I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na's are on this thing? ‘Cause I'm like ‘Bana … keep going. Bananana … damn.

   AD for PAPER DELIVERY PERSON: Must like early mornings, must own beater car/truck with squealing breaks and NO muffler or sound supression what so ever!! Ability to drive with one knee a plus!!

   Typical I buy 1 night stand from eBay & all I got was a bedside table...no dout they will be getting negative feedback!!!

   We have so much in common. You want to travel . . . I want you to go . . .

   Facebook-stalking my future ex-girlfriend.

   I tried, I really did. I threw my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn't care. It's not working!

   Imagine how fun Pringles would be if the cans were spring-loaded.

   I'm kind of surprised I'm not an action figure by now.

   Trust me. Tight fit jeans and loose fit skin are one bad combination.

   Just read that Facebook has reached 500 million users. Congrats to everyone who helped create history's largest stalker.

   Winners should have 2 things: Definite goals ...And the burning desire to achieve them

   The funniest thing about this message is that by the time you realize it doesn't say anything you its too late for you to stop reading it you dumb f**k

   Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.