Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   has the feeling I need to do the housework, gonna sit down with a coffee and wait for the feeling to pass

   Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight

   reminds you that when someone says "Facebook is a waste of time", what they are really saying is, "I'm too lazy to try something new".

   Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering

   - LMAOSHBCSOOMN: Laughing my ass off so hard beer came shooting out of my nose

   Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

   Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink

   Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

   just woke up....looking for my totem now! :)

   Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit por

   gravity is every blnode's enemy

   Sticks and stones may break my bones, but this gun in my purse will KILL you.

   My wife has me held captive by her love.. and these handcuffs. But don't call the cops, this is not a cry for help.

   Im not random...you just cant think as fast as me! :)

   I went Clubbing with my Inuit Friends from Canada tonight. Not what I expected. Poor seals!

   If breast/penis enlargment cream worked, wouldn't your hands get bigger?

   Lindsay Lohan is due to be released from jail after only 5 days. The other top story, on Wall Street drug and alcohol stocks soared.

   I'm thinking comic-con might be the place to look for Bin Laden this week. Easy to find 72 virgins there...

   I am not childish!! Stop calling me that you big doo doo head.

   <~ clicks on all the ads to the right on Facebook and marks them ALL offensive, no matter what they are advertising ! Ima rebel like that !