Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A couple of kids asked me to teach them greatness so I bought all of them Miller light & told them to drink... Anymore questions?

   I just bent down to pet my cat, and it wasn't my cat. It turns out to be a sweater crumbled on the floor. I need better glasses!

   Sarcasm........ Killing relationships since eve Adam ate that apple

   BP says it will emerge from the current situation "smaller and wiser." I assume sea life will emerge "shinier and more waterproof."

   There is a difference between a porn stash and a porn 'stache.

   I'd like to buy the world a Coke and keep it company.

   Last night was my fault, my wife asked, “what's on the TV?” and ….. I said, “dust!”

   dyslexic and just finished walking into a bra.

   If at first you don't succeed drink lots of Margaritas and blame that on your inadequacies.

   thinking that the dude who invented the self cleaning oven was an underachiever. I am sure if he put his mind to it he could have came up with the self cleaning house.

   God put one arm around me today for love and protection and then your hand over my mouth...It's just gonna be one of those days!

   wonders why everyone on facebook looks like they had a stroke I mean seriously that facial expression is stupid, and holding up the peace sign doesnt make you look any smarter.

   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

   figured out that the shin bone is intended for finding furniture in a dark room.

   the only reason why I will wear this HIDEOUS bridesmaid dress is so that a drunk groomsmen can rip it off me later with his teeth.

   When you say, “Jump!” I say, “Under which bus?”

   it me or are 75% of the people that use handicap parking spots not suffering from a handicap at all???

   Master Chef: I am glad the 3rd guy is bald... it matches his d.ick-head personality.

   Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.

   Keep talking........ I always yawn when I'm interested.