Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   while at a local Chinese restaurant I noticed a suggestion box and I wrote, "Free Tibet"

   "Don't buy condoms at BP gas stations. They may burst and result in a leak..."

   needs to clean my house....is there an app for that?

   In the past, people got fired putting that they hate their job on facebook. well I HATE MY JOB! I HATE MY JOB! --hope this works for me.

   Unwritten Rule of the Day: Don't make eye contact while eating a banana...

   Mr, T is opening a vegetarian restaurant. It's called "I pity the tofu".

   Rush Limbaugh is the new spokesman for preparation "H". There is no follow up needed.

   currently watching a jailbait parade

   I think Girls are like drugs, they make you feel soo good, but then they end up hurting you and you still want more.

   I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between ignorance and complete stupidity ... but then someone always comes along and clears it up for me. THANKS!!

   If it's broken, fix it. If it's lost, find it. If it's loud turn it down. If it's hot, cool it off. If it burns when you pee, call all of your exes

   if the farmer is in the dell, who's tending the farm?

   If I wanted a joke, I'd follow you into the john and watch you take a leak

   "Whoever said that 'laughter is the best medicine,' never suffered from erectile dysfunction."

   thinks it's Hotter Outside then a Las Vegas Sidewalk on the Fourth of July!.."

   remember when you. tongue punched that 300 pound woman in the fartbox?

   theres nothing like the rush you get when you color outside the lines...

   goin to go to wal-mart and when the intercom comes on sit in an isle rock back and forth saying the voices are back!

   A lot of mistakes, bad decisions, poor judgements, and total screw ups has led me to the right person in the right place at the right time.....

   I might not have a lot of one thing, but I have enough of everything, and for that I'm blessed.