Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   he really wants to control the television remotely but is unable to locate the device that fulfills that desire.

   If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

   You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

   Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

   I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

   Should I say Thank You when someone tell me *You look good TODAY!!!*?

   i am always right, never wrong, one time I thought I was wrong, but I was wrong...

   if I wanted any lip from you, i'd rattle my zipper..

   walking on sunshine...and it kinda burns

   Finds that the best place to pick up women is at the Immigration Office.

   I know I'm not the sharpest knife in the crayon box.

   Turning the music up does NOT cover up a fart... No matter what song is on!

   They say you can lure more flies with honey than vinegar.... I guess, "a dead turtle" just doesn't have the same ring to it.

   A lion would never cheat on his wife, but a tiger wood.

   Meet me in the corn feild Honey, and I'll kiss you between the ears.

   I can help you with your despair. You tie the rope and I'll kick the fu*king chair!

   has discovered that people will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.

   won't break your heart, but I will stunt your growth and limit your potential.

   adopted a white dog the other day and named him Stains. Now I can yell "Come Stains, Come Stains" out my front door!

   not stalking you. By the way, you are out of sugar.