Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ‎...Is it just me or is Ed Hardy and Affliction in an all out war with each other to make the douchiest t-shirt possible. These things are like 95% rhinestones and glitter, these shirts scream I touch myself when I watch Brokeback Mountain.

   You ever seen someone so gay that you feared for his safety!

   I love sleep so much that its the first thing I think about when I wake up....

   WTF? You look like you've been slapped by the Devil....!!!

   I'm watching one of those shows where an ugly dude preaches and pretends to heal people. It's called "Oprah"

   You can't live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you.

   You can get your appetite elsewhere, as long as you eat at home.

   Pornography is literature designed to be read with one hand.

   Woke up naked in a Quick Lube. I'm on the lift. No sign of my car. This can't be good.

   Today, give a stranger one of your smiles. It might be the only sunshine he sees all day.

   Women, don't get a tattoo. That butterfly looks great on your breast when you're twenty or thirty, but when you get to seventy, it stretches into a condor.

   I know you lifes not that interesting you only took those pictures to post on facebook.

   if you beat the odds , they all knew you could do it.

   You know you're in the ghetto when the liquor stores have posters of Tanqueray, Black & Milds, and signs for a 2 piece chicken dinner special in the window.

   he really wants to control the television remotely but is unable to locate the device that fulfills that desire.

   If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

   You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

   Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

   I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

   Should I say Thank You when someone tell me *You look good TODAY!!!*?