Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Facebook was a job everybody would b rich

   Today is a whole new day to f*ck up!

   beer: the reason I get up every afternoon..

   I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

   30-year-mortgage, 5-year-car-financing, and lifetime gym membership, but women still say that men have problem with commitment.

   Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.

   more nervous than a ceiling fan salesman with a toupe.

   I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.

   If you wouldn't wear your GF shirt that has rhinestones and glitter, why would it be ok to wear one that has some other guys name on it that reads Ed Hardy?

   still amazed that the technologically challenged are drawn like moths to a flame towards the Self-Check out Lanes at every large Grocery.

   Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date.

   My seatbelt makes me feel so secure ... Like nothing can get me... I love how it protects me so..... ;)

   My dog can lick his own balls. Seriously, I don't care how many times he makes those puppy dog eyes at me.

   Its time for a "It was one of those kinda days at work today." beer.

   The most disturbing part of those Orkin commercials is that the people seem used to speaking with 6 foot tall insects.

   Whats better than winning the lottery? Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.

   Today's Kama Sutra position is The Underpaid Employee. It involves bending over backwards for the boss while kissing his a*s at the same time

   woman are magic. They can get wet without water, bleed without injury, and make boneless things hard

   you know you're having a busy day when you can't find time to update your Facebook status.

   its the weekend so live it up, charge it down, puff it off, smash a line, blow out blind and destroy your mind!!