Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life is full of secrets and lies, so when you get screwed over, don't act surprised.

   Life will always be like a roller coaster ride! Make sure your seatbelt is fastened and hold on tight because its full of thrills, screams, chills, fear, excitement, tears, laughter, joy, anxiety, and the will to do it all over again! "Life I tell ya!"

   The one thing I hate about touch screen phones is the fact that you'll find yourself wiping them more then your ass.

   Sometimes I wish I could just fast-forward through time, just to see if it's all worth it in relationship that we have..

   Facebook is the ultimate weapon of couples' distraction and relationships' destruction

   Ya think Vampires eat Tampons like Cotton Candy????

   If you saw me in the back of a police car, what would you assume put me there?

   Rick Astley asked me if he could borrow my collection of Pixar films. "Okay," I said. "You can have Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up."

   wasted away again in Margaritaville

   My bank lets me send a text message and it'll text back with my balance. It's a cool feature but I didn't think the LOL was necessary.

   Dolphin position?... it's when your having sex doggy style and you go too put it in her ass and she turns around and goes eh eh eh eh.

   being defiant and popping his microwave popcorn with the "This Side Up" facing down. BITE ME REDEHBACHER!

   For english please press uno. WTH is going on here

   Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn't mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up.Where are you? You're on Facebook, r

   For every LIKE I receive. I shall drink one Jager-Bomb (Jagermeister + Redbull)

   dont waste your time , because time is money, and money is awesome , so dont waste your awesome

   I never apologize. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am...

   found $20 under my bed ! my God, my room is so desperate to be cleaned, it's paying me. THE PLAN WORKED

   was just thinking if God didn't want us to masturbate he would have made our arms shorter…maybe thats why the Trex was always so angry?

   Sharkweek is over, jackass. Humming the theme song to 'Jaws' when the boss is approaching our aisle is no longer funny.