Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to

   JetBlue guy wants his job back. Dude, you can't go up that slide.

   JetBlue flight attendant Steven Slater is NOT NEWS!!! WTF

   it's friday the 13th and storming. Not gonna lie, I'm half expecting Jason to come knocking on my door...

   Justin Bieber and former American Idol winners are all pitching in to help out with Middle Tennessee flood relief. They are being stuffed into burlap sacks and thrown against the floodwaters.

   in the mood to watch some Disney movies!

   doesn't believe you should get so caught up in avoiding lightning, that you miss the storm...

   You ever watched ants? You got that kinda time on your hands like me??

   IF A MALE AND FEMALE ARE IN THE SAME ROOM 8 HOURS A DAY 5 DAYS A WEEK ITS GONNA HAPPEND SONNER OR LATER

   My five year old son was getting out of the shower and with a puzzled look asked, dad what are these for? Being caught a little off guard, I replied... Balance...

   I remember when I was younger "Friday the 13th" used to make think about Jason movies. Now all I can think about is "Do the bars have any specials today?"

   I think "the new G.M." should implement long-overdue improvements in their new vehicles. Like restraints in the back of all turnip trucks.

   Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one...and got hit by a bus.

   A truck load of tortoises get in a wreck with a boat load of terrapins... it was a turtle disaster!

   We're no strangers to love you know the rules and so do I a full commitments what I'm thinking of you wouldn't get this from any other guy I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling gotta make you understand never gonna give you up HAPPY FRIDAY THE 13TH!

   Wonders if anyone calls that number on trucks that says, "How's my driving?" to tell them their driver is driving amazingly well!

   My mom used to say that I'm wasting my life playing all these video games... thats ok, I still have more lives!

   A school teacher asks her young students "What comes after 69?" One little girl raises her hand so the teacher lets her speak. "Well, you clean your face then wash your mouth out....duh!"

   Has decided to write all her statuses in capitals from now on. This one was written in London.

   We have women in the military, but we don't put them in the front lines. We don't know if they can fight or if they can kill. I think they can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look f