Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When the sun goes down and the beer starts flowing...that's when the really good ideas come out!

   "Doctor, I think I'm a deck of cards!" The doctor says, "Sit in the waiting room, I'll deal with you later."

   Pre-season football reminds me of some of my ex's. It's over too soon and it's always boring

   one reason they call it PMS is that Mad Cow disease was already taken.

   The Hoff's singing is huge in Germany. He should be proud. Germans have always been known 4 their sound judgment

   there are many peoples in front of pc for fb than doing their assignments today. it is a fact..trust me!

   I bought my daughter an Iphone she was happy I bought my son an Ipad he was exstatic I bought my wife an Iron she threw it at me

   Remember before they had Hummers when you had to actually talk to a guy to tell if he was an a**hole?

   I like being Next,, You can let somebody go in front of you and still be Next. People know who you are. " Who is that"? ... " Oh him he is Next".

   My other Facebook page is a 69 camaro.

   Signs you're getting old. Trying to save something on your computer and you can't remember where you put the floppy disks.

   Has anyone checked on Tupac lately? He hasn't put out a posthumous album in quite a few years.

   Having correctly predicted the vampire craze, I now boldly predict the next pop culture phenomenon. Butlers.

   The price of gold is at an all-time high. If I were a young rap artist, I think I'd ride out the storm in graduate school.

   I'll bet if Andy Capp's wife took that stupid rag off her head and dolled herself up a bit, maybe he wouldnt have to get drunk all the time...

   Wife: I wish I was newspaper, so I'd be in your hands all day. Husband:I too wish that you were newspaper, so I could have a new one everyday.

   To prevent injuring your thumb while hammering,have your wife hold the nails.

   Never entrust your life to a surgeon who has more than two band -aids on his fingers

   Happy Independence Day to all Indians out here...Married Men may ignore this message :-)

   I was a little disappointed in my morning.. the crayon said peach.. but it sure didn't taste like peach!