Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So these ads for medicine are really confusing me.... They now have this creme that helps your eye lashes grow... but the side effects are blindness and black eye lids...so your saying I'll be blind with two black eyes but I'll have long eyelashes??...I'

   heard, that Facebook is developing new application, that will show where your friends are, at the time of writing......that is stupid, because I know they are all at work

   do you know why kids think I'm Cool?.. Because I was raised to talk and think like a 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle' that's why."

   In fairness, we've been building 'ground zeros' near Iraqi mosques since March 2003.

   feels like being single at 35 is akin to being a vulture...waiting for some other animal to walk away from some good bones that still have lots of tasty meat on them.

   I guess running up to a squad car, screaming "shot-gun" isn't as funny as I thought it'd be?

   typed this status with his toes.

   the Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through the desert.Tonto hears something and drops to the ground with his ear to the dirt.After a few seconds he lifts his head "Buffalo come!"he says"how can you tell?"says the Lone Ranger"Face sticky "says Tonto

   Profiling: when police stop only the cars that are driving on the sidewalk.

   I'm seriously reevaluating my MySpace Top 8

   Jet Blue steward Steven Slater offered reality show to help people quit their jobs. I'm gonna bet it won't be the first pilot he's done!

   When dogs leap onto your bed,it's because they adore being with you. When cats leap onto your bed,it's because they adore your bed.

   Watching the food channel when you're hungry is like watching porn.

   When I die, I want to be buried with a ring of toasters surrounding me. That way, when Archaeologists dig me up in 1,000 years they'll say "Ohh she must have been important!"

   There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking.

   A developer tears down trees and builds houses in the woods. An environmentalist already has a house in the woods.

   The people at Visa are going out of their way to give me credit. And for that, I'm deeply indebted

   I find elevator music to be very uplifting. Unless I'm going down.

   seeing your past and it hurts, must be L.O.V.E.... seeing your piss and it hurts, must be S.T.D...

   Beep...Beep...Beep....Would it be too much to ask for a smoke alarm to warn me of a low battery when the sun is actually up?! Beep...Beep...Beep....