Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ...Brad Pitt may favor death penalty after BP oil spill. Says execs should hafta watch “Meet Joe Black” over & over til they kill themselves!

   ... Knife-wielding intruder tries 2 break into Paris Hilton's home. So? 1 time, a forkwielding Kirstie Alley tried 2 break into my refrigerator!

   tired of trying, sick of crying... Yeah, sure I'm smiling, but inside I'm dying...

   All I know is I wouldn't do so good in the wizarding world. Every time I encountered a goblin I'd instinctively punt it.

   trust : is to deal with snakes and to know they wont bite you

   ....Nick Cannon still mum on Mariah pregnancy. They're obviously waiting to make sure she doesn't have a bigger miscarriage than “Glitter.”

   Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'.

   I drop my ipod:( ………and then my headphones save it's life :)

   Inside me lives a skinny man crying to get out, but I can usually shut him up with cookies.

   Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

   dropped in an upholstery machine. He is fully re-covered now.

   laughing at "suggested" friends that he will never be friends with

   It would be very helpful to me if the rest of you would please stop striving for excellence. Thanks!

   I use to be great at wordplay. Once a pun a time.

   if the shoe fits, buy one in every color.

   . . . I know I'm in my own little world, but it's okay, they know I'm here.

   I just opened my wheelie bin and a wasp flew out. Now what kind of sick person would do that?

   I have reasons to believe the term 'More bang for your buck' was first used by Hookers..

   Never go to bed angry - Stay awake and plot your revenge!

   why don't sheep shrink when it rains?