Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   God said: "I cannot be everywhere, So I created MOTHER!" The Devil Replied: "Even I can't be everywhere, So I created MOTHER-IN-LAW!!!"

   Women you want to be equal to Men... Send us flowers to work, pick us up for a date, open the car or any door for us, take us out to dinner and a movie flip the bill and leave the tip and you make the first move at the end of the date!!!

   I like to screw with the customer service girl at Kroger.I go to the coinstar machine and put in 74 cents and then take the receipt to customer service just to see the look on her face!

   When I was older I used to love playing around with time machines.

   Women are better at hiding cheating, Men are better at Cheating.

   A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.

   I'm never going to grow up. I'm just going to stop hiding what I do from my parents and start hiding it from my kids.

   Money can't buy happiness? I just bought THE best package of vanilla frosting covered cupcakes of all time, for $5. I'm happier than a dog with two peters.

   ... CAT RULE #2: Get plenty of sleep so you can play at 4am

   I just got a job that pays .000002 million!!

   Obama says... It would be very helpful to me if the rest of you would please stop striving for excellence.

   When I get rich the first thing I'm going to do is to buy a new butt, because the one I have now has a crack in it.

   The fastest way to get ahold of a live person at AT&T is to scream obscenities at the voice prompts.

   So gingivitis isn't the fear of redheads?

   All you get when you pick my pocket is practice...

   Like Superman, I have a Fortress of Solitude. But mine flushes.

   On this date in 2005 Hurricane Katrina blow more black guys in one day then...Lisa Lampanelli has in 15 years...

   throwing the new MySpace Profile out with the trash where it belongs :)

   Boy says to girl; "have you ever had a Australian kiss?" Girl says; "whats that?" Boy says; "it's like a french kiss, but down undaa."

   dressed up feeling like a million bucks but I wish I wasn't so broke...