Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   flicking Captain Crunch at an evil garden gnome

   The first rule of Hangover Club is: SHHHH

   EPIC FAIL: Ripping the easy-open tab right off the last can of chef boyardee ravioli and not having a can opener to back it up."

   My invisible make believe deity can beat up your invisible make believe deity

   Thinking God's has a great personality, Both my wife and girlfriend are on the rag at the same time.

   my girlfriend is driving me round the bend and daughter is sending me up the wall so if anyone needs me look for me on the neighbours roof ;)

   My invisible make believe deity can beat up your invisible make believe deity

   make sure your wearing Deodorant when you reaching for the stars.

   Don't reach for the stars. You'll just look like a idiot stretching for no reason.

   unpeeling the stickers on her Rubix Cube then putting them back on to solve it

   Surgery went well... thanks everyone for the cards and flowers, but get real people... send food!

   Taylor Lautner nake- oops...this isn't google.

   Watching Teen Cribs with Miley Cyrus and Doing Lines with Paris Hilton

   Men leave the house thinking someone wants to have sex with them so they pack condoms. Women think the same so they pack mace and a taser.

   I love the point when you are finished with a transaction over the phone & you get to pretend that you are writing down the reference number.

   Fantasizing about your upcoming vacation is usually better than the vacation itself.

   I found out one of the fundamental differences between my girl and I today. While at the state fair we were walking through the animal barns and while she began ranking animals in order of cuteness, I found myself ranking them in order of deliciousness.

   When I have kids I hope that they are grateful and can appreciate the value of a dollar... not always requesting designer clothes, the best and newest toys and video games, and non-generic food. In other words, I hope they are nothing like me.

   The sweetest voice mail message at work is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it."

   A guy on the subway couldn't squeeze past everyone to get off, so he yelled, "I think I'm gonna sh*t." Suddenly, people found a way to make room and he stepped off, smiling, and strolled away. Good one, sir.