Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I see someone using a payphone I always think they're arranging the ransom drop off.

   If you fail at your first two attempts to parallel park, move on.

   Thinks he should change his name to TomTom. I have had at least 5 people today stop and ask me for directions. I guess I look like a guy who knows where he is going… If they only new the truth, LoL

   never shout out "Fruit Cake" at a gay wedding. You never know who your gonna offend."

   so someone just told me that, that isn't a water fountain in the bathroom it is something called a bidet, sure works well as a water fountain though

   Happy Birthday old friend...(note to self) keep fire extinquisher handy just in case.

   Just realized me and Eminem could never be in a relationship cause I was be scared he would wanna tie me to the bed and set the house on fire!!

   I don't run from hurricanes, I drink them.........

   My wife gave me an apple to eat for breakfast. So, this is what Adam felt like.

   For some of you that habitually change your relationship statuses, Facebook should offer an "is being played by _________" option.

   That's a nice suit. When did the clown die?

   Studies have finally discovered what is wrong with the male brain. On the left side, there is nothing right, and on the rightside, there is nothing left!

   If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

   The economy is so bad that I ordered a Big Mac at McDonald's, and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

   if texting and driving is dangerous....look at me I'm updating my face book!

   Never tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.

   why is there a diet version of everything good except chocolate? hmm...where does Hershey's keep their "suggestion box"?

   Ok ladies, a night with me will give you examples for your future daughters of what kind of guy to watch out for, but in the meantime, it will give you one hell of a story to tell your girlfriends!

   The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail...

   The economy is so bad, If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them.