Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does all this updating my Facebook status make my ego look fat?

   I'm not saying our schools suck, but after one day of sex ed, my kid thinks single parents are the result of masturbation.

   The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.

   When someone says, "Expect the unexpected," I like to punch them in the face to express my agreement.

   If there's one thing I definitely couldn't live without, it would probably be my body.

   I just saved a ton of money by not paying my car insurance bill.

   "Maybe later..." is a polite way of saying "Never"

   I wish James J. Lee had watched CNN News instead of the Discovery channel.

   Free samples shouldn't be limited to ice cream stores. How can I be sure this fifth of Vodka is worth the 6 dollars without a quick chug?

   When I see a bumper sticker that says "Bring home the Troops," I mentally finish the sentence with "then send in the Ninjas."

   They should really replace, "I now pronounce you man and wife" with "FINISH HIM!!!" (mortal combat music blasting)

   "No offense" means "I'm about to insult you, but don't get mad."

   THEY'RE going THERE with THEIR friends. Seriously it's not rocket science.

   w Look at your status. Now back to mine. Now back to yours. Noback to mine. Sadly, yours isn't mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine.

   The economy is so bad, a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

   We say we love flowers, yet we pluck them. We say we love trees, yet we cut them down. And some people still wonder why some are afraid when they are told they are loved.

   Wonders...Do you think the guy that invented the vibrator heard voices saying, "If you build it, they will come"

   thinks drunk driving would be cut in half if people didn't do borderline gay sh*t to you when ur passed out.

   thinks drunk driving would be cut in half if people didn't do borderline gay sh*t to you when ur passed out.

   i can ride my bike with no handlebars no handlebars no handle *crashes*