Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mon :( Tues :/ Wed :| Thurs :) Friday :D Sat ^.^ Sun -_-

   CRAP.... look who's online..LOG OUT LOG OUT LOG OUT....."Hey whats up?..s***!!

   We should get 600 rolls of toilet paper, and tp Trevor Hoffmans house...

   it's been a great summer and would like to thank the ladies for the great mammaries

   I got enough crap in my life at the moment sorry I cant fit you in!

   The grass may look greener . . . but it's Astroturf.

   Just caught my girlfreind in bed with my best friend. I threw her out, then grabbed him and shouted, "Bad Dog! Bad Dog!"

   some times the same way a guy does not cherish a good girl a girl does not cherish a good guy.

   I am very suspicious about joggers. It seems as if they are always the ones who find the bodies.

   Im starting a "stop breeding ugly children boycott" in front of the hospitals

   ohh really? no blisters if I use this right?

   It felt so good to delete you, I'd accept you just to do it all over again!!

   Remember what your elders used to say, "Birds of a feather flock together. If you're an eagle, don't hang around chickens: Chickens Can't Fly!

   Was about to put on my white jeans then realized ITS AFTER LABOR DAY! Phew, what a fashion mistake that would had been! So I put on my neon green parachute pants instead.

   tried to sell myself on Craigslist...now I'm "Censored."

   I've been given two weeks to live. The wife's gone away for a fortnight.

   Ass, Gas or Grass works on all hitchhikers until you see that 250 pound fat chick holding a full gas can with a doobie in her mouth and her thumb out...Keep driving! Keep driving!

   Of all the names for a cookie...who the hell came up with "Snickerdoodle"?

   I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me. She calls me her sixty second lover.

   X When someone says, "Expect the unexpected," I like to punch them in the face to express my agreement