Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All I ask is to one day live in a house with secret passages.

   I really need a voice activated TV because the remote always disappears.

   I'm either one lucky ba$tard or completely infertile.

   I still don't get the whole "LOL" thing. Was laughing on the inside that common before?

   I can put a coffee maker next to my bed if I want to!

   No officer, my speech isn't slurred. I'm just talking in cursive.

   The heart is the center of the body but beats on the left. Maybe that's the reason the heart is not always right.

   At what point does "experiencing higher than normal call volumes" become "we don't feel like hiring more people."

   If your boyfriend isn't ignoring you as much as you'd like him to, suggest he join a few more fantasy football leagues.

   remembering the days when cell phones were used for making phone calls.

   Note to self: I think we should see other people.

   thinks a religious war compares to 2 kids having an arguement who got the toughest imaginary friend

   You can't turn a ho into a housewife unless you're playing Scrabble.

   Drown in your blood or live in your sht

   When love is not madness... it is not love.

   i think next time I'm out drinkin I'm gunna pull the label of my last beer and stick it on my shoulder just in case I get pulled over... that way I can say "no I havent officer, I'm on the patch"

   USA & UK... Two countries standing side by side fighting the terrorist!!!!

   I still can't believe it! It does exist! Yes, just read that actually there is a place called "Canadian Hurricane Center"! Honest!

   relationship status as changed from " It's complicated " to "is in a relationship but the wife doesn't know"

   hates having friend requests off faceless girls. Its called facebook for a reason you stupid splitarse! And that faceless pic looks like Darth Vader. Who wants 2 be friends with Darth Vader?!!