Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the greatest day ever will be when the US decides to nuke the middle East , killing all the camel jockeys

   Most Good People Say: Forgive & Forget, But 9/11 Is Not One Of Those Days That Is Possible...

   My girl, it's difficult to say what she does....she sells sea shells on the sea shore.

   It takes 4 toilet paper rolls to suck all the water out of the toilet. This is also just enough to bring a one year old great joy.

   As I was listening to myself sneeze, I realized it sounds like "eh choo" not "ah choo" so maybe my sneeze is Canadian?

   Here's a secret tip for X-files fans: Drink two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place with all recollections of the previous nights events mysteriously "erased".

   Honestly, I love every single some of you.

   I bet Clint Eastwood uses the most badass denture adhesive available.

   wondering why the big uproar about burning Crayons??

   Someday, I'd like to take a train across the country.. but they never leave the keys in them.

   going to spend his cab money on more shots and just get an ambulance home

   Celebrate 9/11/2010 by burning a copy of the Patriot Act.

   I dont know if my piggy bank is sick or anorexic but its been getting real skinny lately and I dont wanna be charged to animal cruelty so time to make some cash.

   waking up next to Julie Chen with no make-up makes me want to saw me penis off with a rusty car key

   According to every arcade in the world, 'AAA' and 'ASS' are the most common initials

   To the brave souls who lost their lives tragically 9 years ago today.. may you never be forgotten R.I.P

   Thinks facebook has ruined school reunions.. now everyone knows your full of sh*t before you get there..

   When on vacation, don't take pictures of building...take pictures of moments...Keep them close to your heart and never let them go!

   "Listen: I'm a mature person and you're a mature person, so why don't we just skip all the bs, get rid of our inhibitions, and DO what we really wanna DO? "

   I paid a doctor to give me a colonoscopy...if I did that to a dog, they'd throw me in prison.