Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The government knew those planes were coming!!!! why not shoot them

   So I saw an old women on a little pink bicycle a few min. ago.....i think she has proven her eligibility for the thug life.

   sometimes I send status updates from my phone so it looks like I left the house.

   CNN tried to blame me for 9-11. On that day I turned on the tv and the guy said " if you're just turned on your tv,the world trade center has been destroyed".

   you know you are on facebook too much if there are no new status message since the last time you logged in..and you have over 700 friends

   Post this if you know (or are related to) someone who suffers from stupidity. Stupidity is a real condition and should be taken seriously. There is no known cure for stupidity but we can raise awareness. 93% won't post this because they won't know how.

   It's not always rainbows and butterflies. It's compromise that moves us along.

   If it's warm, wet, sticky and NOT yours??? DON'T TOUCH IT!

   All bleeding stops……..eventually

   Nothing witty to be posted.....(wait for it).....today :|

   People keep telling me the right man will come along. I think mine got hit by a truck.

   Yoko Ono will once again oppose the parole of Mark David Chapman - the man who shot and killed John Lennon 30 years ago. Perhaps she ought to rethink that - I hear Chapman has a Jonas Brothers obsession now.

   A fat chick served me at McDonalds earlier. She said, "Sorry about the wait". I said, "Don't worry darl, you'll lose it eventually".

   contemplating standing up from his desk, stripping down to his tighty whities whilst spontaneously yelling out "Frank the Tank" as he walks out the door...

   just came out of KFC with a Family Feast and some awesome sides. A poor homeless man sat there and said, "I haven't eaten for two days". I said, "I wish I had your f*ing willpower!".

   SKY news announced that Tampax have signed on to sponsor Tiger Woods. A spokesman for Tampax said, "To sponsor a c*nt going through a bad period is exactly what our company is all about".

   In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.

   when I was a YOUNG artist.... my box of CRAYONS would only last ONCE...I would burn and MELT them into ART!

   Wait they replaced The Cookie Monster on Sesame Street with The Veggie Monster? What the f**k is this?

   when the Neilson Ratings called me to survey what I watch on TV... I let them know what shows are stupid and pointless....Unfortunately, they are still airing JERSEY SHORE!